


Playlist: Home

by hutchabelle



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: Advent, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Christmas, F/M, Holidays, Inspired by A Christmas Carol, Returning Home
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-05 22:11:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16819465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hutchabelle/pseuds/hutchabelle
Summary: Katniss Everdeen hasn't been home for Christmas in over a decade, but this year she needs a break. Confronted with her past, loss, and an ex-boyfriend, Katniss experiences the holidays differently than she has for years.





	1. Home for the Holidays

Katniss stood at the store window as cars swished by. Slushy snow painted the curbs and sidewalks a miserable gray, but a watery sun shone in the blue sky. The temperature hovered just around freezing, and occasional gusts of a frigid breeze caused her to shiver more than once. She stared, unseeing, at the display—a living room scene complete with a decorated tree and half-opened presents strewn across the floor. The mannequin couple could have been anyone with their blank faces and perfect outfits. It seemed odd she could envy inanimate objects, but she’d reached that state.

Fifteen years had passed since Katniss had visited her hometown, a small, somewhat picturesque village tucked away in the foothills of the mountains in eastern Kentucky. She’d been so eager to escape, to lead a life she’d dreamed of since she was a child. How ironic that Panem called to her and drew her back when everything she’d longed for collapsed around her.

“No place like home for the holidays,” she muttered. “Home sweet home.”

A patron exited the store and almost bumped into Katniss in the process. Christmas carols wafted from the speakers and through the door. She grimaced as _Home for the Holidays_ assaulted her ears. It was the last song she wanted to hear seconds after she’d inadvertently mumbled the lyrics to herself only seconds prior. Her toes tingled with cold, and she turned to head down the street. She moved like a moth drawn to a flame toward District 12, the coffee shop where she’d worked during high school and on breaks home from college.

The smell of coffee assailed her along with the warm air that billowed through the door. The inside looked exactly the same—bare wood with old timey decorations fitting for the Appalachian town. The tables didn’t match and several of them rocked on uneven legs. The chairs wobbled too, and a few threadbare couches lined the outside walls. The espresso machine whirred, and Haymitch Abernathy, the owner, scowled at the cashier whose hands trembled as she made change. She glanced nervously over her shoulder at her boss several times before taking Katniss’ order.

“Can I help you?” the barista asked, and Katniss smiled kindly at her.

“Double latte, no foam with an extra shot, please.”

“I thought that was you, sweetheart,” Haymitch observed in a rough voice. “Only you order that jet fuel at three in the afternoon. Been a long time.”

“Haymitch,” she offered in response. “Good to see you haven’t softened in your old age.”

He chuckled and raised a mug to her. “I’ve only pickled.”

She shook her head and handed her payment to the cashier. Her mouth watered as she waited for her drink, and she wasn’t surprised her old boss sidled over to her table and plunked into the chair across from her.

“What brings you back to the wilds of Kentucky? Lost your way from the big city? Decided to slum it for a while?” His acerbic tone grated on her nerves, but she knew his gruff nature covered a heart of gold.

“I needed a break,” she admitted. “Things haven’t been the same since…”

“Since it happened.”

“Yes. Since it happened.”

“How’s your mom?”

A waitress set her drink in front of her, and Katniss took a sip. She closed her eyes at the flavor. Transported back in time, she held the liquid on her tongue until it threatened to burn her taste buds before answering.

“I haven’t talked to her recently.” She avoided his eyes and explained, “She decided to take a job in California. Said she wanted to help people. Decided the forest fires from a few years ago were more deserving of a healer than I am.”

Haymitch grunted and pulled a flask from his jacket. She shook her head at his offer and watched him pour a liberal amount into his half-full mug.

“You seen the boy yet?”

Her heart leapt, but she refused to show her feelings. She kept her face blank and took several small sips before shaking her head. “I didn’t realize he was here.”

“He moved back a couple of years ago. After it happened.”

“Good for him. He always missed this place.”

“Maybe not this place as much as what he used to have here. Maybe he hoped you’d find your way back too.”

She met Haymitch’s steady gaze and refused to blush or flinch. It wasn’t a secret how close she and her high school boyfriend had been during their childhood and adolescence. He was a golden boy—star athlete, brilliant scholar, kind and compassionate to everyone he met. He’d shocked a few people when he’d asked her out, but they made so much sense together that they’d quickly become the town’s darlings. When they graduated from high school, they both made their way to Murray State University where they continued to date for a few years.

“I doubt he’s too worried about me.”

Haymitch rolled his eyes. “Sweetheart, if there’s one thing on Earth more reliable than death and taxes, it’s Peeta Mellark’s infatuation with you.”

Hearing the familiar name roll off his tongue caused her stomach to clench. It had been so long since anyone had said it out loud. It normally rumbled through her subconscious, but this was different.

“Maybe I’ll run into him while I’m here,” she said with a shrug. She knew Haymitch didn’t buy her nonchalance, but she couldn’t handle showing him how vulnerable the thought of running into her ex made her feel.

Pressing down the flutter of hope in her chest, she turned the conversation to other topics—the crumbling downtown, the high unemployment rate, the increase in opioid and methamphetamine death rates over the past few years. The sky darkened outside as they chatted, and it wasn’t long before Haymitch rose to flip the sign to closed on the front door.

“You’re welcome to stay while we clean up, if you’d like,” he offered, but she shook her head.

“I think I’ll head down to Sae’s and grab one of her grilled cheese sandwiches. It’s one of the few things I miss about this place.”

She laughed as he flipped her the bird. Taking one last drink of her cooled coffee, she waved goodbye and tugged the door open. The cold air took her breath away as it entered her lungs in icy daggers. Tucking her hands in her pockets, she ducked her head and shuffled along until she spotted the florescent lights of the diner where she’d spent so many weekend nights when she and Peeta dated.

She was still several yards away when she noticed him in the window. He sat at the same booth they’d commanded every weekend during their senior year—when his football career promised future glory until he’d blown it out during his junior year of college. The ashy blonde curls were a little longer than when she’d last seen him. They grazed his collar and fell over his ears and forehead in a way that made him look like he was still in his twenties. How a haircut could shave a decade off his age was beyond her, but it did.

Unwilling to face him, she backed into the shadow of a tree and watched him through the cloud of her frozen breath. He smiled at the waitress, a blonde who looked to be about seventeen and swooned every time she approached the table. He took his time, lingering over dessert and a second and then third cup of coffee. He sat alone, but she could tell he was writing as a pen scrolled across a book repeatedly. It had to be a journal since he’d filled dozens when they were together.

“Still haven’t given up on publishing the great American novel, huh?” she murmured to the night air. “Ever the optimist.”

It was almost seven before he placed a bill on the table and packed his journal into his briefcase. She watched him leave and marveled at how little he’d changed in the years since she’d seen him. He was still the same Peeta he’d always been—genial and kind to everyone in his path.

She waited for several more minutes before making her way inside the diner. She kept to the other side, intent on avoiding sitting where he had. No one seemed to recognize her, which was fine with her. She kept her stocking cap on and avoiding catching anyone’s eye. Besides Haymitch, Peeta, and her best friend from high school, she wasn’t sure how much anyone remembered her anyway. Still, she wasn’t ready to find out.

When the waitress set the grilled cheese sandwich she’d ordered in front of her, Katniss slipped into memories. The burst of flavor against her tongue forced a muffled moan of approval, which she swallowed along with a scalding spoonful of tomato soup.

“Would you like a refill?”

Katniss choked on the soup and hacked several times as she attempted to catch her breath. The waitress stood helplessly, obviously upset, as she coughed.

“I’m so sorry, ma’am,” she gushed. “Are you all right? Can I get you more to drink?”

Katniss waved her off. “I’m fine. Sorry for scaring you.”

“Oh, it’s fine, ma’am. Please let me know if there’s anything else you need. Maybe some pumpkin pie?”

“That would be lovely,” she murmured and blinked to clear her eyes. The waitress swam before her, and for the briefest moment, Katniss could have sworn it was her little sister. Lily (according to her name tag) had the same sweet smile, blue eyes, and long blonde hair as well as the vivaciousness that had filled Katniss’ early years. The little sister who loved sweets—especially pumpkin pie.

Lily set the pie on the table and refilled her coffee mug. “Are you in town for the holidays?”

Nodding, Katniss savored the first bite of pie. “Tastes like homemade. Home for the holidays. I used to live here a long time ago.”

“Well, welcome back. You can’t beat home sweet home. Can I say that? Isn’t that what the song says?”

A terrible elevator music version of _Home for the Holidays_ played over the diner’s speakers, and the two women smiled at each other for a few beats before Lily nodded and moved to another table. Katniss finished the slice of pie and bundled up again before heading outside.

She’d left the waitress a hefty tip for no other reason than for making her feel closer to her sister. She missed her more than she could say, but the brief encounter with Lily took the edge off the hollow pit in her chest.

Glancing down at her wrist, Katniss blanched at how late it was. She’d managed to burn through the better part of the afternoon and evening, and she only had a few minutes before she was expected at her best friend’s house. She wasn’t quite ready for company, so she took the long way and wound through the outer reaches of the woods that surrounded her hometown.

The snow-covered trees soothed her, calming her frayed nerves and easing the tension of seeing her ex and former boss when she hadn’t planned to do anything other than return to her birthplace. She avoided the street that would lead to the bridge connecting the main part of Panem with her old neighborhood. She had no interest in revisiting the Seam or anything in it.

Instead, she turned her car away from the outskirts of town and to the road that led to Mellark’s Bakery. It wouldn’t be open this late, but she wanted to see the outside, the familiar façade that represented a time in her life when she’d actually been happy.

As she turned down Merchant Street, she realized she was whistling. With a wry laugh, she switched to singing in a rough voice that hadn’t been used nearly often enough in the past few years.

“ _Oh, there's no place like home for the holidays_  
'Cause no matter how far away you roam  
If you wanna to be happy in a million ways...”

She ground to a halt at the words and realized she’d eased off the gas as well. It took several deep breaths before she was able to keep driving.

What she wouldn’t give to be happy in a million ways. Sadly, she feared it would take a miracle for that to happen.


	2. Another Lonely Christmas

“Hey, Catnip,” Gale offered in greeting when he opened the door to his place. “Come on in.”

Katniss stepped over the threshold and handed him her bag. “Thanks for letting me stay here. I really couldn’t spare the money for a hotel for longer than a few nights.”

He slung an arm over her shoulders and kissed her temple quickly. “No problem. That’s what old friends do.”

Katniss smiled at his words. There was something comforting about their friendship—one of the oldest she had and one of the few from her hometown that had survived her defection from Panem.

“Makes it almost bearable to be here.”

“You didn’t have to come back, you know,” he teased. “There’s no rule book that says you have to revisit your past when your present falls apart.”

“It felt right,” she mumbled.

“Felt right, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, that’s what you’re known for—feeling things.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, nothing. Just that we both know you try not to act on your feelings any more than you have to.”

She bristled, but Gale was right. Katniss was calculating, capable, and pragmatic. She was rarely emotional. Acting on her feelings wasn’t her strong suit in any way. It was almost shocking she’d done it at all.

“I ran into Haymitch.” She figured it was as good as any topic to change the subject.

“Old Abernathy, huh? Was he drunk?”

“As always.”

The evening passed quickly as they two caught up. Gale asked questions but didn’t pry, and she appreciated his acceptance. Sometimes when they were younger, he’d pushed her harder than she wanted. He seemed to have mellowed with age, and she realized she likely had too. Of all people besides Peeta, Gale understood her complicated family history—how much each member meant to her and why their absence hurt so much.

Gale glanced at his watch and stretched. “I better get to bed. Some of us peasants have to work in the morning.”

“I’ll just have to suffer through without you, I guess.”

He grinned at her and pointed to the remote. “Feel free to watch TV. I left towels and washcloths on your bed. Third door to the right in the hall. Bathroom’s the second. I’ll take your things.”

She protested, but he waved her off. He seemed to enjoy playing the host, and she wondered briefly why he still lived alone. What was stopping him from marrying his long-time girlfriend and starting a family?

“Thanks again, Gale,” she said when he hugged her goodnight. “You’ve made this a little bit less terrible.”

He chuckled and tugged gently on her braid. “That’s the goal here at any Hawthorne home. Our motto is ‘Not so terrible here.’”

When his bedroom door closed behind him, Katniss flipped on the TV but didn’t find anything that appealed to her until she landed on the music channels. She selected a popular Christmas station with the image of a bonfire and leaned her head against the back of the couch. Her mind wandered as Prince and the Revolution’s _Another Lonely Christmas_ played softly in the background. She hummed along for a few minutes, and then fell silent.

_Last night I spent another lonely Christmas  
_ _Darling, darling, you, you should've been there…_

She’d been lonesome at Christmas for several years, but for a few moments she allowed herself to wonder what it would have been like if she’d stayed with Peeta. If she hadn’t run away after it happened.

They would have been married by now, surely. He wouldn’t have wanted to wait past their mid-twenties, and she doubted she could have convinced him to wait on children either. Peeta always wanted them, and she knew he’d make an amazing father, given the chance. He would have taught them how to make and decorate cookies, and their kitchen would have always smelled like fresh-baked bread. Her life would have been full of laughter and happiness and noise. He would have spoiled her and challenged her. He would have given her the family she’d always wanted. If only…

_Hey, I saw your sister skating on the lake  
_ _This afternoon  
_ _Good heaven, how she's grown  
_ _She swoons the boy skaters she's so tall_

Katniss rubbed her chest and blinked a few times to clear her eyes. Memories of that night burned in her mind. Peeta coming back to school from Thanksgiving and telling her about Prim skating with her friends on the town’s lake. She’d had to work that break and couldn’t make it home. How she’d envied Peeta for getting to see his family. How angry she’d been that her mother wouldn’t bring her little sister to Murray instead of staying back in Panem. How frustrated she’d been that the length of Kentucky stood between her sister and herself. One more regret; one more frustration; one more tragedy.

After that holiday, Peeta arranged to stay with her over most of Christmas break, so she could work and wouldn’t be alone. He’d spent hours baking and planning something fun for them to do every night after she’d finished her shifts. He’d wanted to make the season special for her in a way she hadn’t felt since before her dad—

It was still too painful to contemplate. There were times it didn’t feel like any time had passed at all since he’d left.

_But of all your father's children  
_ _All your father's children, baby, you know  
_ _You are the finest of them all  
_ _You are brighter than the northern star and I_

Katniss smiled as she recalled Peeta singing those words to her. He’d pulled her outside one night that December and held her as they watched the stars together. Pointing out Polaris, he’d kissed her neck until fire ran through her veins. They’d barely made it back inside before their clothes hit the floor and they joined together. Her raspy grunts when he filled her; Peeta’s low moans as he pumped into her; their skin burning, hands groping, mouths slack when they came with each other’s names falling from their lips. Panic when they realized they hadn’t used protection. Peeta’s stricken face. Her shame. The rush to the pharmacy.

It had always been so passionate between them—full of heat and desperation as they clung to each other. It was almost as if they’d both known it wouldn’t last. Couldn’t last.

Shaking her head, she turned off the past. With a yawn, she flipped off the television. It was past her usual bedtime, and she didn’t want to think anymore. Tomorrow she’d figure out how to deal with the memories. The night was for dreaming.


	3. Silent Night

Katniss woke in the middle of the night and couldn’t get back to sleep. After tossing and turning for a half hour, she sighed and gave up. Wandering downstairs, she warmed up some milk and stirred hot chocolate mix into the mug. Warming her hands with the steaming drink, she crossed to the sliding glass door at the back of the house and gazed into the darkness. Her mind drifted as she sipped, and several minutes passed before she realized she was humming.

Her lips curved into the glimpse of a smile before she cleared her throat. Her voice was rusty as she sang a song from her childhood very, very softly.

“Silent night; Holy night, all is calm, all is bright…”

Snow flurried outside and settled on the inches that had already accumulated. The waxing mood illuminated the row of trees that separated Gale’s property from the state forest that bordered the town. She loved that her old friend was so reliable, so utterly Gale. He hated being restricted. He’d always needed the freedom the woods offered him, and it made her happy that he’d settled down in a place so close to where they’d spent hours exploring as teenagers.

Until she’d started dating Peeta, that is.

Fifteen years had passed since she’d graduated high school, and she still couldn’t reconcile how the golden boy of Panem had fallen in love with her. Shy, quiet, and awkward, she’d passed through the halls of the town’s schools for years before Peeta’s star shone on her. He’d bumped into her in the hall one day so hard he’d knocked her down, and he’d spent several minutes falling over himself with apologies before he got up the nerve to ask her for a date.

She chuckled as she remembered his nervousness when he’d picked her up—shifting from one foot to the other on the front porch while her mother glanced him over and turned away to retreat to her bed during a serious bout of depression, stammering as he told her what he’d planned, wiping his clammy palm before reaching over to thread his fingers with hers during the movie. Somehow, each of these had endeared him to her more, and it took fewer than two weeks before she agreed to be his girlfriend when he asked her.

They’d been inseparable after that. Katniss didn’t have a memory from age 14 to 23 that didn’t include Peeta Mellark.

Prim adored him. Her younger sister loved that he not only invited her along, but that he willingly agreed when Katniss suggested they include her sibling. Peeta’s older brothers teased both the Everdeen girls like the younger sisters they’d never had, and Mr. Mellark’s eyes twinkled when he clandestinely slipped them pastries under his wife’s suspicious gaze.

Mrs. Mellark, on the other hand, wasn’t someone Katniss spent too much time remembering. She’d never approved of Peeta’s relationship with Katniss, and her displeasure had created tension with her son until she passed away from liver cancer during their sophomore year in college.

Shoving the unpleasant memories aside, Katniss instead focused on lazy days at the lake. Peeta’s golden skin glistening with water droplets as he lazed on his towel. Sand gritting between her toes as she buried them on the beach. Heated kisses in the middle of the water when he chased her past the dock and caught her in his strong arms. The smell of burning pine and charred hot dogs as the sun set and their friends gathered for a bonfire. The taste of melted marshmallow on his lips when he kissed her goodnight.

Her body warmed as she relived the way his mouth had caressed hers that day. That thought led to others—the Christmas dance their junior year. Peeta’s dark blue suit made his eyes glow like molten sapphires as he told her he loved her for the first time during the last slow song of the night. She’d floated into her house and fallen into bed with a smile on her face that hadn’t faded for a week.

Her breath clouded the door as she released a sigh. Her thoughts flitted to the afternoon they’d received their college acceptance letters and realized they would be attending the same school. Relief flooded her when she’d read the glorious words, “We are pleased to inform you of your acceptance to Murray State University’s Class of 2007.” Peeta whooped, and tears flooded her eyes when it hit het. Prim ran circles around them as Katniss collapsed into her boyfriend’s arms and sobbed against his neck. That acceptance letter had represented so many things she couldn’t articulate at the time, but Peeta had understood and celebrated her achievement.

Their high school graduation. Prom. Dissecting frogs in advanced biology. Presentations in American literature. Laughing with his wrestling team at lunch. Conference championships. Choir concerts. They’d shared so much together.

And that night… That one silent night in the woods under the stars. Their kisses had grown fervent, and she’d tugged his shirt over his head and unbuckled his shorts before he knew what she was doing. He’d protested at first. He’d wanted it to be special, but she didn’t want to wait anymore. He’d entered her with a tortured groan, and she’d grunted at the intrusion.

Low moaning in her ear as his hips snapped against hers. Sweat trickling down his back. His name on her lips. Hers lifted to the sky as he climbed higher. Rustling in the undergrowth and locusts singing as he shook and emptied into her. Her desperation as she realized he was done, and she hadn’t gotten close. His embarrassment at his lack of control. Her relieved approval when he’d lowered himself between her legs and brought her to climax twice. Their limp bodies tangled together as the humid August air cooled their scorching skin. The blissful amble to the car before he’d dropped her at her house for the night.

They’d been so in love. Intimately connected. Perfect for each other.

It hurt too much to think about what had torn them apart, so she took two more sips of her cocoa before pouring the rest of it down the sink. She rinsed the mug and placed it in the top rack of the dishwasher before climbing the stairs, swallowing a small white button of medicine to help her sleep, and slipping into a fitful slumber.

**Author's Note:**

> This is an advent story inspired by a list of Christmas carols gifted to me by xerxia. Thank you for the prompts, friendship, and encouragement.


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